You Rang, Sir

I miss this. The butler - no doubt named Jeeves or Hobson or some such - appearing 'on your six' quietly wondering what he could do to satisfy your current whim. Or you giving the bellpull in the drawing room a quick tug for a refill of your postprandial brandy. 

I say I miss that, but of course, 'missing' suggests I ever had it. Sadly, only in my dreams. Many curmudgeons WISH we had faithful butlers, but we do not. We are way too cheap. 

And thus, Sainted wives - a tad mercurial, but they have their moments. 

There Will Always Be The New Yorker

When Pictures Say 1,000 Words

Cowboys & Indians

You no doubt suspect that, because of our age, we old fart curmudgeons are fans of classic 1950s Cowboy & Indian movies. Nothing could be further from the truth.

In addition to being incredibly lame, these movies merely serve to remind us of a very sorry chapter in our history...unless you're into manifest destiny and ethnic cleansing and all.

To see them pop up on TV - with or without John Wayne - is just an unpleasant reminder of how insensitive American thinking was even in the 1950s: Cowboys were always the good guys and those pesky Indians the bad guys.
       

Let's face it - the only worthy Cowboys & Indians show was F Troop.

They Still "Drive" In Massachusetts

Lest we ever forget what it is to drive in Massachusetts, I have obtained a top-secret instructional document from their driving test.

It speaks for itself.

So, should you be innocently driving about and you encounter this sign:

                   

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Math

Let's face it, not everyone is cut out for mathematics. Infamously, even the talking Barbie doll once proclaimed "math is HARD."

Back in my school days - when men were men and brains were required - it was a lucky day if we could bring our slide rules to a test. Today, you can bring calculators, textbooks and your personal math coaches along.

For this doomed math student, there is no hope. Fancy calculator in hand, he has arrived at that point in time when he should consider switching majors. Or maybe think about a vocational school.

The Ben Matlock Legal Degree

There are people who scoff at how much Matlock I watch. Hah! They scoff. Well, I now have the last, er, scoff.

I just received my official Matlock legal aid degree. Hah! I scoff back. Granted it has absolutely no courtroom standing, but requires only 50 Captain Crunch box tops, and looks real impressive mounted on the wall of my office in the provided frame with the look of real wood. People who used to ignore me now seek my "professional" legal advice.

You are taught how to claim never having lost a case (one of the key Matlock tenets), especially seeing as how you never really take up what might be called a "case." The course also instructs you on how to acquire a good ole boy southern accent AND how best to dye your hair silver. You make sure the TV in the waiting room runs a loop of Matlocks and the money just pours in. 

Beautiful.